It'll be alright again.

"For death is no more than a turning of us over from time to eternity."

-William Penn

“Love is how you stay alive, even after you are gone.” 

-Mitch Albom

"No one can confidently say that he will still be living tomorrow."

 -Euripides

“To the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.” 

-J. K. Rowling

“Death ends a life, not a relationship.” 

-Mitch Albom

“We're all human, aren't we? Every human life is worth the same, and worth saving.”  

-J. K. Rowling

“I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.” 

-Elizabeth Gilbert

 That last quote - that was one that my big sister hung on her wall since she was about 12 and I was 10. At least once a week, if not daily, she would text it to me, repeat it to me, something, to remind me she would always love me. I can't think of a time in my life she wouldn't tell me of that quote. It was her favorite. And what I held on to when she was in her comatose. Unfortunately, she wasn't able to protect me until I died. But rather I was her safe haven her last few moments.

The pulled the plugs on her life support system yesterday around 3pm. They held onto her until I was able to get home from the airport and was able to see her before they took her in to have her organs donated. Doctors, you know, they don't know everything. Sometimes it feels though they're treating a person as a bunch of parts. There were organ specialists and brain surgeons and neurological scientists around her as they took her away. Like they were going to dissect her one part at a time until there was nothing else to take from her carcass. 

I won't lie. It was traumatic. I didn't believe she was dead. How could I? It would destroy me. They took me into the room she was waiting in to say goodbye. I was alone, as the family had already had their time with her. I watched as her chest raised gently up and down, and her heart thumped gently beneath her skin. But I knew it was all fake. It was due to the wires, the machines, the medical ways to keep her organs functioning until she was truly dead. I weaved my hand into hers and kissed her cheek. Told her all the things I'd been holding back... reliving all the memories and telling her all the things that would be different without her. They sometimes say that people who come out of comas recall what was told to them during their coma. I like to think maybe she was listening to what I had to say. I combed through her hair with my fingers and rested my head on her chest like I always did when we would stay up late watching movies together. I cried.

It was about ten minutes I was in there until I was finally strong enough to pick myself up and walk away, not daring to look back. I went to her family in the waiting room, hugged and mourned with them for a few minutes. Then the doctors called that they were taking her into surgery if anyone wanted a final goodbye. Her family went in to watch them take her off of the machine, but I slipped out of the hospital, fast as I could, and ran home, tears filling my eyes to the brim that I could hardly see. 

I felt like I was watching myself in a movie, or having my life played out in a book.

 I've never had that close of an experience with someone I love dying. Sure, I've had plenty of friends die from cancer or such, but I'm never with them when they die... I never see them before they are taken off of life support. I've never dared to. I never wanted to, I never want to.

I'm not asking for sympathy. I know you think you understand, but everyone experience loss differently. This is my loss and you've had yours. I don't need to be comforted. I've accepted what happened and I'll be okay. I just needed to write it all down somewhere... where someone could read it, and experience it. I needed to let someone know what happened. So thank you, whoever might be reading this. Thank you for letting me heal.

It'll be alright again.

Erika